OCD, anxiety and depression

Please note this may be triggering.

I originally posted this on my LinkedIn just over a year ago, but I thought I’d share it here as well. Years and years ago, I tried to write a bit on here as well – you can find that post here. I’ve flitting the toggle between putting this on private and public, but I really do think it helps to share.

My education route wasn’t typical. I’ve been dealing with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), panic attacks and depression since I was a teenager. It really started to impact me at 16, when I was doing my GCSEs. In the following years, particularly between 16-21, I found it hard to study, go to work or do general day to day tasks like cleaning, or even get out of bed.

My A-Levels were a disaster due to my poor attendance. Anxiety would have me hiding out in stairwells at college, panic-stricken to enter the classroom and even if I did, half the time I couldn’t sit through a full lesson. Yet, I somehow got enough points for a place on clearance to do a course at Lincoln College, my friends were all leaving for university and I felt compelled to leave home. My time there was more or less a blur and then I returned home. Then, in another miraculous turn of events, I was offered a place at Sheffield Hallam to study Events Management… This didn’t go to well either. Same story again. I ended up dropping out a few months into my second year.

Not long after, or possibly during (the timeline of early 2015 is a blur) leaving university, my father suddenly passed away. I’d left uni, I was filled with grief and had a whole host of mental health issues. I was a little lost. The experience with my dad passing away and the difficulties I faced, both prior to and in the following years after his death, with the relationship I had with him could have its own post (or even book) – thankfully, my ever-supportive Mum has always taken on the role of two parents.

I felt quite hopeless, as though the world had completely swallowed me and I couldn’t see any light. In that time, I had a supportive network of friends and family, but my job limited me to what help I could get externally – or the amount of time I could give to counselling/other support… as well as my own feelings getting in the way of my recovery. In this time, I found sites such as MIND and their forums where you’re able to read and discuss the experiences of others, to be some of the most helpful places for resources, guidance and support. Learning about mental health has been so invaluable to me and has been a key factor in my own growth and happiness.

In the past, I had always found it difficult to hold a job down, my anxiety got the better of me for the most part. I became easily overwhelmed and found it hard to build connections. However, in the latter half of 2015, I began a job in hospitality, I found myself working in a team that were like family. I felt like a belonged and it did some wonders for my mental health. This supportive work environment built up my confidence – enough to inspire me to branch out and took me to London.

Same job, different people… I soon sought new work which took me to working as on reception in buzzing Shoreditch – another exercise in my resilience, my confidence grew. This confidence, as well as a growing understanding of mental health, encouraged me to return to university, study abroad, complete my studies then work as an events coordinator before joining the Creative Ops team at Jaywing to then take on my current job within People and Culture.

You’ll often hear phrases like “I’m so OCD” when someone is organised, or perhaps OCD will be used to describe someone being clean. All sorts of misconceptions are perpetuated in the media, as well as slogans on a novelty mugs. These phrases tend to draw away from the fact that it can be an utterly debilitating disorder.  For example, when someone talks about OCD, you often think of someone washing their hands or flicking light switches. And yes, I have often had to periods of my dry and cracked hands from repetitive soap usage. However, there is a side that is less portrayed in the media. My OCD doesn’t always show up in typical ways. At times, I find myself lost in my own head, ruminating about past events or hypothetical situations – convincing myself I am a terrible person. Or at other times I’ve convinced myself that if I don’t pick up a pen in a certain way, I’ll be the cause of some absolutely wild disaster. Failing to see the reality of a situation.

I’ve found that most mental health conditions don’t always fit the portrayals that are seen in the media – from OCD, to anxiety, to depression. With depression, I’ve found myself sleeping in all day, unable to muster the drive to get up, engulfed in impending doom. Anxiety has stopped me in my tracks through fear of a hypothetical scenario or a feeling that I cannot shake or pin down. There’s no set way that mental health affects me – so finding ways to manage it can become difficult, but certainly not impossible.

I’ve (knowingly) been dealing with issues with my own mental health since I was about 14 years old now. 16 years later, I’ve found that it’s only been in the past five years that I feel like I’ve actually been able to develop tools to manage my panic attacks and depressive episodes – although there are still times where I feel overwhelmed and need to take a moment for myself. Regular counselling has helped me so much – in a way I didn’t think it would. It normalised mental health and feeling like the “crazy” (I hate this word) one in the room. It helped build up my courage and helped me to find a career path that I am genuinely interested in. Talking and communication is an invaluable thing for recovery.

At various points in my journey, I’ve tried different medications and sometimes they have helped and sometimes they weren’t right for me. I’m thankful for the times that they’ve helped me get back on track and I’m glad to feel that there’s a shift in them being seen to be less stigmatised than in the past.

It’s because of my journey with mental health that I’m such so passionate about my current role and I genuinely want to help and support others, as I know how much of a positive impact it can be to talk, be understood and to have support.

This is just my experience with mental health though and there is so much more for me to learn. I know I’ll never know the full experiences of others, but I want to be there for people, both in my work and personal life, in the way that others have been there for me. Thank you so much to my family, friends, partner and my colleagues who have all had my back when I need it. And thank you to the strangers who share their stories and help to normalise these conversations. You’re all amazing.